stagediver
originally written 05.25.03

today i threw myself
blindly
into a crew,
and to my surprise
found myself
caught
by the crowd.
i continued to
play the rest
of my set, because
i didn't know
that anyone would
dig the music.
but they did.
but,
now that the
concert is over
and the crowd is
d i s p e r s i n g,
where does the
performer go to
jump tomorrow?

point a to point b
originally written 05.25.03

you know what
i've figured out
in the past two weeks?

no one is ever really
alone.
i am not
alone.
you are not
alone.
we are not
alone.

no one has to
face this world
alone...
but you can
if that's your thing.

point A to
point B is
never as far
as it seems,
often times it's
right next to
you.

silent acts and solutions
originally written 05.25.03

secret silent acts
and solutions to
the delusions that
you've led yourself
to believe, we leave
another day behind
and push it aside.
the ride just got
more interesting
'cause interests change,
you find yourself estranged
from a life you once
knew -- for example: i
write in blue instead
of black, and turn my
back away from
bullshit lake and
all things fake.
throw a ''screw you''
to those who screwed you.

positivity
originally written 05.24.03

it's something i can't
quite get a good grip onto
or a clear-focused picture
of -- that thing
you know damn well
is there but you
question its existance
anyways...(at least
i question its presence)
it's something i can
seem to donate to
everyone else, but can
never find it in
myself -- this energy
seems so foreign while
it is so native
to everyone else.
apparently it attracts
negativity and provides
a stable balance -- but
what could account for
my instability? i'm
looking for that so-called
equilibrium -- could it
really be there if
i can't sense it?
i can't make sense of it.

air-conditioned
originally written 05.23.03

SWEET SUBURBAN PLIGHT!
the air-conditioning is out.
THAT AIN'T RIGHT.
the upper-middle class
needs to go and kick some ass
in the humvees and SUVs
driving 25 miles per hour
down water tower way
or hidden bay drive.
(damn right the bay is
hidden) who are we
kiddin'? complete in
our cargo shorts, pants,
and capris...what are we
preparing for?
some social elitist war?
BUT DAMNIT,
the air-conditioning is still out.
16-year-old sterling
down the street blasts ghetto hymns
from his daddy's beamer.
I FEEL THAT SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
he says while never having
stepped away from
the upper-middle class
neighborhood.
IT'S ALL GOOD.
is it all good?
should we be worried?
GODDAMNIT HURRY.
because
the air-conditioning is out.
i live in
the upper-middle class
suburb, where even your
next door neighbor is smoking herb.
what exactly is going on past
the upper-middle class
border? I DON'T CARE,
just get the missing a/c part
on order, damnit.
DAMNIT.
the air-conditioning is out.

chinky eyes
originally written 05.22.03

when you look at me
you see a chink
without the chinky eyes
and fail to
realize reality
your label's a fallacy
you look outward
but not far out enough.
i look inward
past every single innard.
both yours and mine.
the racial label's asanine.
on paper you'd think
i were white, or
might think i'm not.
looking at me
you'd never know i
smoked pot.
when you look at me
you see a pile of clothes
that i simply chose
for aesthetic pleasure...
not social treasure.
how do you measure
my worth to the world?
when will my true purpose
be unfurled?
when you look at me
what exactly do you see?
what have i done for you
lately?
that's all that matters really.

you lost me
originally written 05.21.03

i think that you lost me
about a few months back
when i was knocked off track
by these self-depricating
thoughts that seem to have
caught me off-guard...
it's gotten hard, this journey
where i've been yearning
some understanding from you...
seems like you'll never
see it through.
will you ever find me
back where you lost me?
you have no idea how much
this has cost me.
am i even somewhere that
i can be found?
will i continue to scream
and produce no sound?

drowning in myself
originally written 05.21.03

drowning in myself,
losing air...
refusing to breathe...
trying to swim.
lost in this sea,
looking for life.
the surface seems so far,
even if the sun shines through.
drowning in myself,
losing air.

don't talk
originally written 05.17.03

don't talk, stay silent
absent sound becomes violent.
you never see these tears...
or hear these screams,
these dreams
won't come true,
they won't reach you.

lost and lonely
originally written 05.17.03

lost and lonely
only to be waiting
impatiently--be patient?
try to tolerate time?
''every reason has it's rhyme
so your time will come.''
that's fucking dumb.
time only passes
in masses and i'm
still waiting.