outside your door
originally written 04.20.03

i'll stay outside your door--
it's warmer here, even if
the coast isn't so clear...
eventually it will be,
this situation won't kill me.
i'm refusing to dive too deep--
i'm not gonna lose any sleep--
but...

i'll be outside your door--
waiting for something more.
maybe it'll come, maybe it will not.
i'd love to get caught
up in this downfall.
this wall between the two
of us will never do...
it'll crumble...soon...i hope.
if it doesn't i'll cope.
but...

i'll be outside your door--
watching the waves crash against the shore.
maybe you'll come outside...
if you did, would you notice me?
or would you just walk by?
i wouldn't want to join you inside.
not just yet...i'm going on a safer bet.
i'd rather you sit out here by my side...
watching the sunset against the tide.

overnight (the boy meets girl poem)
originally written 04.17.03

girl meets boy, boy meets girl.
they pass eachother day by day,
they go their ways, and
continually cross paths unknowingly.
girl meets boy (again), boy meets girl (again).
it didn't take long to realize they shared a world--
a world that seemed so colossal
suddenly got smaller--pleasantly smaller.
the sounds of tired karaoke fill the air,
girl sits in the booth concentrated in homework,
the social environment stirs alive and breathing,
boy floats over to look at girl's work.

pause.
that's the moment the earth shrank.
five seconds ago the earth wore a XXL shirt,
now it finds ample space in an S-sized sweater.

girl talks to boy, boy talks to girl.
shrink.
identical majors.
shrink.
same social circle.
shrink.
shared university.
shrrrink.

boy must depart, boy tells girl goodbye.
goodbye.
boy makes awkward attempt to get girl's number.
(whatever, it worked).

before the flight leaves town, boy stays grounded,
life doesn't happen overnight.

tribute to someone i don't know
originally written 04.15.03

dear faceless friend, sexy shadow,
i'll write you letters with words
to melt the heart
i've yet to touch.
tributes to the things
you will have done for me.
the joy we'll share,
the nights we'll spend,
the love we'll make.
the kisses i'll place on
the lips i've never seen.
the eyes that have not yet
fixed their gaze on me.
the voice that will stream
through a phone on a call to be made.
the place we will meet
for the first time.

i don't know you,
but i know you so well.
you don't know me,
but you know me so well.

i'm here and you're wherever.
someday you'll get my letters.

windows and mirrors
originally written 04.15.03

i look at the mirror
and i see myself and objects behind me.
i look out the window
and i see a transparent reflection
with that which is ahead of me.

the mirror has no reset button...
the objects are immovable
and no longer tangible.
everything in the mirror
is frozen and set, like
a picture complete with
perfections and imperfections.

looking out that window,
looking through the indefinite reflection,
cars drive-by, some spin out.
seasons change, day turns into night.
everything can be moved,
everything can be changed.

hit the brakes
originally written 04.10.03

hit the brakes,
you're on a collision course
with yourself
and i can say that this is not good for your health.
take is slow
you're about to burn out,
get worn thin,
you're one of the few that i give a shit about.

i won't stand to see you fall
you're the strongest person that i know.
stay strong, don't crack, go insane.
sanity's overrated anyway.

if you fall down
i'll try to pick you up,
do what i can,
i'll get our friends and i will hope that we're enough.
you're on the edge,
i'll keep an eye on you.
just stay calm,
it's one of those things that best friends are supposed to do.

random thoughts regarding energy, life, and the world
originally written 04.10.03

life doesn't stop when you want it to--
no matter what you do.
the world's life force continually flows
and goes from person to person.
fires keep burning, even the teacher
is still learning.

you're still alive when you sleep,
energy still surges in dormant states,
it awaits and creeps into visions
and makes decisions in your dreams.
energy beams in all directions,
neglecting no section of the earth.

life isn't ever so bad.
the world isn't ever such a bad place.

everyday consists of several steps,
stepping toward someplace somewhere:
you get there from your own motivation.
life is all your creation...
the world is yours to explore...
energy flows from the heavens past the ocean floor.

allow yourself to fall and feel small.
get lost in a crowd of a foreign nation.
let new energy into your soul,
find solace in the unfamiliar.
nothing's ever similar.
life is all your creation.

awareness breeds torment
originally written 04.10.03

with social awareness comes social conscience.
with self-awareness comes self-consiousness.
in gaining that which builds character
comes self-torture...never being able
to live up to the ideals you've set upon yourself.
how can one be good enough for others
when one cannot be good enough of oneself?
there's a ridiculousness in becoming cynical
of the world when self-skepticism
becomes a way of life.
ethics and moral code mean everything and nothing.
the value of integrity becomes both rich and insignificant.
life in limbo is a confusing torment
where escape becomes seemingly unattainable.
working so hard to gain this torture chamber
only adds insult to injury.
working to hear the heartbeat of social conscience
becomes a masochistic endeavor....
never being able to find pleasure in pain.
never being able to find pleasure anywhere.

dead.
originally written 04.10.03

fooling yourself into believing you're alive
can be the greatest ephemeral event
in your minimal existance.
everything comes crashing down
when you look into the mirror
and find your skin peeling away
from the rest of your body
that has no blood left to bleed.
flesh that you thought conveyed bronze tones
suddenly became deathly anemic,
that hair-covered scalp of yours
has been withered away while whatever is left
is thin and grey.

now that the mask has disappeared,
you ask yourself who were you all this time?
you thought you were really somebody--
but you can't be someone when you're not alive.

go on and pretend you don't care
that you're rotting and becoming more brittle
as every moment goes by.
you don't care because no one else cares.

nothingness sinking
originally written 04.10.03

light breaks through the window
but i feel no warmth--
i feel nothing, in fact.
cold air is absent around me.
nothingness has manifested
an envelope surrounding me
physically and spiritually.
this nothingness has become
all that i am--
i am nothing,
an empty vessel...
floating in a sea
heading nowhere fast,
sinking slowly...
and no one will ever know
when i hit the ocean floor.

bleach bath
originally written 04.04.03
(note: please pardon the cheesy rhyme scheme)

it seemed like a good idea
to bathe myself in a sea of bleach
and to be deaf to the lessons
i never wanted others to teach.
in some way by gaining control
of an identity that didn't exist
i lost control at the same time,
everyone think's i'm pissed.
should i try to connect to
a culture from which i feel disconnected?
they're not me and i'm not them,
i don't think that anyone is being disrepected.
while everyone else bakes on the beach
working on that dark bronze tan,
i'm busy rinsing mine away...
steadily wondering who i am.
always a misfit, a star-shaped peg
on a board full of circle shaped holes.
can't fall into any real gap,
now this world feels so damn cold.
i'm not dark enough, i'm not light enough,
what the hell is my native language?
and why the fuck is everyone staring at me
with these cockeyed looks like i'm so strange?
always the outlier, defining the range...
an extreme, and exception to the rule.
i never thought i'd have to be a pedigree,
not a fucking mutt, to be considered cool.

including me
originally written 04.01.03

setting myself up with greed,
i need to feel myself bleed
blood and air, and gather
stares, fall down stairs,
and catch angry glares.
fill the world with wonder
with a misguided blunder,
crash land in a pile
of rubble and stumble
onto something greater
than that which i anticipated...but i
anticipate very little, if anything:
nothing.

their eyes fall upon me
casting shame and that
who the fuck are you?
message with their brows.
i'm feeling lousy and kinda
drowsy--but that's from the
nyquil...because i'm sick,
with the disorder of being a prick.

so tired decieving, only to
be recieving hateful looks
from everyone--
including me.