dis/jointed

originally written 5.21.04

i just want to fly away
from here. i thought this today,
actually, several days, every
day--maybe you could fly to me.
i'd like to fly you to
me--my thoughts may be disjointed but i do
know what i am saying, and i
know what i want, and i want to fly.
well, forget that flying part since
what i really want is you, and to convince
myself that this is not
a dream, that it's something i've got
to believe in, that the faith won't
be lost by me--"i don't
think this is going to be real"
is not something i want to feel
or speak, because i feel so
strongly, so crazily, although
i've never felt you in my arms or
hands, but i feel you in my heart--i'm floored
by this fate that brings
us together, that makes me sing
to the sky, to the clouds above
my head--this is a different kind of love.

home

originally written 05.14.04

Goddamnit, Lord help me
this is my home.
i'm gonna leave
eventually, but
i'm not ready
right now.
i love it.
i hate it.

i love it.
friends flock from far
and we make
our own nightlives
even if the scene does
not facilitate one.
the ones i love close
are my therapy
for the dying process
called life.
the shore seems
to wash away
my troubles
and make me whole again.
these long drives
on crowded stretches
of california highways
give me time to think
and compose a soundtrack
for every event.

i hate it.
nothing is perfect.
in this case
i hate everything.

nothing and no one
will tear me
from my home.
this is a place
where i will stray
when i am ready,
not prematurely.

pieces

originally written 05.10.04

i like the way
my life falls
piece by piece
into my lap.
most days
i just want
to drive away
to the coast
and throw
the pieces of my life
into the ocean
to wash them off
and make me pure.
i'd let the breeze
dry each piece off
before i bury it
into the sand.
maybe i'd bury
some pieces in
the forest green,
and hide other parts
in art museums,
some i'd just throw
into the air
or back into the ocean.
one thing i know
for sure is that
the orange sun
would only burn
these pieces away.

cold air

originally written 12.08.03

something about december
brings the snow to orange county--
a snowstorm that no one can see,
but we make angels none the less:
imprinted into the ground
with wings spread wide--
we take flight on the ground.
the cold air we breathe
is seen before us when we exhale.
that's the most winter that we see--
but it's the least that we feel.
the spirit of winter flows through everyone
bringing out emotions long hidden--
actions repressed by time--
and a new year will soon blossom
to make endings and mend broken time
into new beginnings.

understated explosion

originally written 10.17.03

uncontested, no less.
i'm no more than a man broken
away from the shell.
possibly destined for great
failures, or quiet symphonies.
addicted to noice with
a dependacy on sound.

conversations wind down,
i get wound up in the atmosphere.
i drown in thin air--
yet to disappear...but you don't see

a longing to explode
over the whole fucking earth
and leave no spot uncovered.
i'll lay myself naked and vulnerable
for everyone to see.

i'm no example, no role model, but a
poster child for something never seen.

i've exploded and the shell has
cracked...shattered...
and it's fucking beautiful.
i'm fucking beautiful...
and they can't help but to talk about it--
whether i've risen...
or have come flailing down...
so loudly softspoken.

consider me incredible

originally written 09.23.03

you should consider me incredible...or at least consider me something. i've got nothing, you've got nothing--we might have something--and we've got nothing to lose. so, let's take some time sometime and see if these nothings can develop into something that can develop into something more...because we're all looking for something more. something would be nice. anything would be nicer...nicer than nothing. i'm more than nothing, you're more than nothing...you seem like something...something else.

fuzzy thinking in regards of your city

originally written 09.17.03

this vibe, this signal you send
(or the complete lackthereof)
confuses me because my
overanalytical tendacies take over
when you pop
into my mind
into my sight
into my conversations
i'm building these bridges that
i don't know that i should cross
'cause
i don't know if i want to cross
i don't know if you want me to cross
SHIT, i don't know if this bridge even exists.
woman, i've seen postcards of your city for years,
and this is the first time i've visited...
i don't know if i'm getting invitations to
stay the day
stay the afternoon
stay the night...
i don't know if you're wanting me to move in.
there's one vacant lot in your town,
and you often reminded me of the
potential candidates to fill this space,
and we often talk of keeping the lot
open and vacant. i try
to not think about it...but rather
i think about whether there's anything to
think about or if there's nothing to
think about.

killer

originally written 09.17.03

your words are pinned up
against my ears while
the steel from your knife
presses against my throat,
and it only gets colder
the more i anticipate
the idea of not feeling
the heat of your words,
the cool of your knife.
your mouth is a barrel
shooting hollow points
through my head.

you're killing me.

you've killed me.

i am dead.

i am reborn
and in this new life
you won't exist
because i don't even
know you anymore.

joke

originally written 09.16.03

you pulled me into your foregrounds, awarded me solos, and shone the spotlight onto my face. in this, i smiled and sang while my voice stood out among the masses. you applauded me, praised me, and asked for encores.

then, you pushed me into your backgrounds, i became an understudy for the chorus, and dimmed the stagelights upon me. in this, i became no one...just a fad, a trend, a quick fix for the audience of one. the applause disappeared, as did the acclaim...it was all replaced with laughter...as i am your latest joke.

goodbye...minus the good

originally written 09.15.03

i thought you'd always be here
right now you've made it so clear.
ticket stubs i'll hold on to
as my last memory of you.
if i ever see you pass me by
don't let it be in the arms of some random guy
'cause it's enough to make me break and burn...
i guess it's something i'll have to learn.

i thought you'd have the decency
to at least say goodbye to me.
photos of you pinned up in my mind
remind me how you left me behind.
if i ever see you pass me by
don't let it be in the arms of some random guy
'cause it's enough to make me break and burn...
i guess it's something i'll have to learn.

goodbye, goodbye.
goodbye, goodbye.
carry some memories in the back of your mind,
and carry this song, let it sink into your heart.

i shouldn't have to try
to find a reason to justify--
i'll tell myself this isn't wrong
to make it easier to move on.
if i ever see you pass me by
don't let it be in the arms of some random guy
'cause it's enough to make me break and burn...
i guess it's something i'll have to learn.

goodbye, goodbye.
goodbye, goodbye.
carry some memories in the back of your mind,
and carry this song, let it sink into your heart.

carry some memories in the back of your mind,
and carry this song, let it sink, let it sink.
carry some memories in the back of your mind,
and carry this song...

goodbye, goodbye.
goodbye, goodbye.
carry some memories in the back of your mind,
and carry this song, let it sink into your heart.